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Spam Spasm
By Linda Cox J.A.M.G. (Just Another  Marketing Guru)

Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:

S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous)

N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of People Who Hate Spam)

P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate  People Who Don't Hate Spam)

P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom  Spam-Hating is a Lifestyle Choice)

S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the  Advancement of People Who Really Really Really Hate  Spam)

P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much It  Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears)

And. of course, Spam Haters In The Business of Internet Resource Directory  Services. 
________

DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS,

I'm writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to present a common front in our  righteous war on unsolicited commercial email: Spam!

I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now opposing unrequested email in order to  form a single, unified organization:

The Spammish Inquisition! 

And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader. 

WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS?

You think YOU hate spam? You don't even know what hate is!

I hate spam so much that I... well, just a LOT! That's how much!

If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think  my head would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say that? 

Don't think soooo.... 

I don't mean to say that I don't hate other things too, like pedophiles and nazis and that drunk guy who backed  over my cat when I was seven.

But spam.... Hooboy!

SQUISH 'EM LIKE BUGS!

I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe that tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get depressed.

As with drugs, mere  possession of bulk emailing software should result in the immediate confiscation of the computer it was on, as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn statuary that might been purchased with spam profits.

As far as unjustly persecuting people for spamming simply on the basis of rumor and hearsay--well, that's pretty good the way it is.

IN CLOSING...

Yes, maybe my time would be better spent trying to end world hunger, comfort the sick, shelter the  homeless, or outlaw country music. 

But anyone who thinks that the war on  spam is in any way less important than those has never logged onto their email  account practically EVERY SINGLE DAY and had to delete SEVERAL unwanted messages!

Yours in revulsion, disgust and 
utter skin-crawling  contempt,

Linda Cox, G.I.W. 
(Grand Inquisatrix Wannabe)

P.S. Oh yeah... stale croutons. Hate 'em.
 

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About the Author:

Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was actually a real-world corporate marketer
for many years before going on the net without a net. Now she's
Just Another Marketing Guru. 
More Linda here: http://www.LindaCox.com

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